Did my post title get your attention? Good. Well it’s the fucking hard and honest truth that some of you need to hear. The truth of the matter is the SCUBA diving industry (recreational, professional instructor and even in some cases technical diving) is one giant cluster fuck of a pyramid scheme solely designed to sell you cute little plastic cards (well ok now eCards™!) while separating you from your paycheck.
This is going to upset a lot of people.
STOP TAKING CLASSES! I really mean it. Stop giving these schmucks your hard-earned money and just concentrate on diving and becoming a better diver. Go diving.
Now I know what you’re thinking, surely my beloved alphabet soup SCUBA agency has my best interests at heart. They would never do that to me! They want me to become a better diver and for only $899.00 or two easy installment payments I can be well on my way to becoming a better diver. I can finally get that RESCUE DIVER tattoo, put that “CERTIFIED DIVER” sticker on the back of my Honda Element next to my Salt Life sticker or put that DIVEMASTER patch for my denim jean jacket! Really I’ve seen all these things.
Even the non-profit SCUBA agencies out there are not completely innocent (hint: they rhyme with Gooey and Now-wee). They are designed to sell classes for their instructors. While their passion and mission may be genuine they are all businesses, first and foremost. The big difference here is some SCUBA training agencies are not owned by private equity firms or massive global sports equipment manufacturers. Instructors sell and market (notice how I didn’t say teach?) classes to make money for themselves or their agency. They are not doing this out of the goodness of their hearts. Classes necessitate the need to buy new or specialized gear, continuing education classes are marketed to divers who might be better served to just go diving with mentors or friends. They are often sold more poor quality training so they can move onto the perceived next level of diving accomplishments.
Let’s start with your typical recreational diver progression
First you get your open water certification but maybe you feel a little inadequate and inexperienced so you quickly move onto your Advanced Open Water course. Next somebody tells you Rescue Diver is a good idea (it is actually but that’s another rant for another day). Finally in 3 classes you’ve gotten the dumbed-down diving curriculum that they used to teach in the 1960-1970s or so I’ve been told.
Was dive training really better back in the day or is this the equivalent of how your grandparents “walked to school uphill both ways in the snow”? Who knows..
But the fun doesn’t stop there! Maybe you should take a drysuit class! Finally let’s tack on the night dive / underwater navigation #3 combo platter with a side of underwater naturalist. How about nitrox? Well you definitely need that one. Sign up here for only $99.99. Nevermind the fact that nitrox used to be considered public enemy number #1 (THE DEVIL’S GAS) and disavowed by all the major agencies back in the early 90s. Now that they realize they can make money it’s now one of the number one specialty certification courses offered. Fuck man this diving thing is so fun! Look at all these wallet-sized diploma cards I have!
Have you finally made it as a diver? Nope. You could just stop here, have fun, and go diving but this is not the lie that you are sold. Enter Dive Instructor/Shop Owner Jimmy-Bob from some shithead dive shop in the local rundown strip mall next to T.G.I. Fridays and Panda Express. He thinks you’d make a great asset to to team! Why not become a divemaster or assistant instructor?!
What do you need? Well it’s simple. For $999 starting course price, $125 initial membership/application fee, $250 yearly membership dues and $800 insurance premiums you too can make as much as 16 year-old high school that works in McDonalds but with way more liability and less fun! Less fun you say?! What do you mean?! Diving is FUN!! Well while that 16 old-kid who works at McDonalds is out going to the movies, doing drugs, drinking and and maybe even fun diving with his buddies on the weekends you’re now stuck in a low-grade highly chlorinated high school gymnasium pool with floating used band-aids, fecal matter, and hair scrunchies while teaching someone that barely passed prenatal swimming lessons who has also coincidentally now just decided it would be a good time to conquer their fear of drowning and sharks! I’m sure they also think CERTIFIED ™ scuba diver looks hot on their Grindr or Tindr biography. Perhaps it’s even a one liner on their resume/CV to make them seem more interesting! Maybe they really do have a passion for the water and will love scuba diving; One can only hope. After all why are you doing this? It’s for the money, isn’t it?
Diving Specialty Courses summed up in a meme (Note: I did not make this meme, they did not give me permission to use it but I hope they would..)
It’s literally all one giant pyramid scheme designed to sell you the next level of classes.
Try Diving > Bubble Maker > Open Water with training wheels > Open Water > Advanced SCUBA > Rescue and Search/Recovery > Perfect Buoyancy > Silt Snow Angel Maker > Variable Volume Wetsuit diver masquerading as Drysuit Specialty> Night Diver > Underwater Navigation > Underwater Basket Weaving > SMB Deployment Specialist > Coral Walker and Spearfish Identification Specialist > Nitrox > Pony Bottle Master Diver > Equipment Specialist > Sidemount Boat Transom-Damaging Specialty Course > Master Scuba Diving Specialty Diver > Assistant Divemaster > Assistant to the Assistant Instructor > Senior Divemaster Specialty Instructor > Dive Control Mission Specialist
Did I miss anything?
Let’s move onto the professional instructor level! Where the real money is at 🙂
So now you’re a pretty big deal, you’ve became a certified divemaster or maybe your agency calls you a dive control specialist. Holy shit that sounds like you should be working for NASA. A control specialist! Fuck me. Either way, both of these accomplishments really sound like you know what you’re doing. In reality they require very, very little actual diving experience and only about 60 logged or made-up logged dives. You may have heard a variation of this joke before but: How do you know if someone is a Divemaster? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you. They ALWAYS tell you.
The next evolution is to become an open water instructor. You can make new divers! First you must attend a formal instructor development course with a group of your well-regarded diving peers. These diving peers include but are not limited to: The 18 year old kid just out of high school with 60 dives who decided to teach diving on his “gap year”, the 45 year old mid-life crisis twice divorced lesbian women who just decided to try something different because she “likes water” and find herself Eat, Pray, Love style or maybe it’s the 70 year old retiree who has already been diving poorly for 40 years but decided that maybe he should teach other people his equally shitty dive habits and regal you with stories of his past diving exploits or constantly tell you about how he has “been diving for over 30 years!” or “has thousands of dives!” Don’t forget the tax benefits he even says! You can write off all your diving vacations and equipment.
So what does it take to become an scuba instructor? You mean besides a pulse and credit card? It means paying money for the instructor development course (anywhere from $1000 to maybe $5000 from a zero-to-hero type instructor mill factory in SE Asia or Caribbean island), probably buying some bullshit $500 academic materials, books/manuals, and fancy SCUBA instruction slates. In reality it’s about a week of your time after you’ve met the perquisite training requirements.
In addition to your course fees, you also pay an instructor application fee or maybe even a separate instructor evaluation fee. Most SCUBA agencies all charge yearly membership dues in the tune of $250-$400/year. Did I mention $800-$1200 yearly insurance premiums if you’re not bundled with the dive shop policy? This is after all a business. Why should these things be free?
So what’s next? You become an open water instructor. CONGRATULATIONS! This is really quite the diving accomplishment. I just know you’re going to change the diving world. Many 18 year olds and morbidly-obese 50 year olds have also accomplished this task. You are not unique nor are you special but please tell me how you’re doing to change the diving world. Please tell me how you’re the best instructor there is. Your dive training was far superior to everyone else’s and you will never, ever violate any standards. You teach the most perfect open water class and you churn out the most perfect neutrally buoyant students. Every other dive shop and instructor sucks. Lord knows you are the first ever instructor to teach your students in trim or in a BP/W. You must be some sort of fucking dive messiah.
Do you know the difference between a recreational dive instructor and a pizza? Answer: A pizza can feed a family of 4.
But it’s not really enough that you become an open water instructor, is it? Onto the new level my friend! You now need to become a specialty instructor so you can teach all manner of specialty classes. Not enough. You should be become a Master Instructor so you can teach all of the specialties! Finally maybe you want to help teach other instructors so you become a Staff Instructor. Not enough prestige for you? Slap down that Amex Gold card and become a coveted Instructor Trainer.
Lastly the crème de la crème, the great Course Director! For another large fee, some weekend workshops and few more thousand dollars you can create more instructors that can make instructors! It’s the circle of life.
Diving Instructor Pyramid of Greatness
Note: I did not make this meme originally but I couldn’t find the original image so I re-created it
Finally let’s move onto the great and powerful technical diver.
The world’s greatest divers. Technical divers are the worst offenders. Never before in the history of time has a group of more smug shit-nosed divers existed. Actually that’s not true: See commercial divers.
Basically once the dive industry realized that could make even more money from technical diving courses it became open season on suckers.
Let’s start with Intro to Tech which becomes something of a “Learn to Dive Doubles” or a poorly designed crash course in sidemount from somebody who probably has about as many sidemount divers as they can count on 5 fingers , or rather 4 .5 fingers if they live in Florida and play with firearms and can actually count that high. From here you need to tack on a whole matter of additional courses. Advanced Nitrox, Deco Procedures, TecRec 30, Tech 32, Tech 41, Tech 50, Tech 900 or maybe your particular agency calls this Tech 1 and Tech 2. Finally let’s add some helium to the mix and start with an ADVANCED RECREATIONAL TRIMIX course (Does this sound like an oxymoron to anyone)?
But wait there’s more!? For $499 I can upgrade your helitrox to normoxic trimix which gets you to 60m (200ft). Let’s have you also do advanced trimix next season so you can safely and poorly dive to 100m (300ft). How about extended expedition range trimix for dives beyond 100m (300ft)? Sign up here! Finally you should take a technical wreck diving course at some point because wrecks are scary.
What about rebreathers? That’s a whole other ballgame. Everyone starts at MOD1 (Air Diluent course) which is essentially your first crash course into rebreather training and theory. It should cover the basics of your particular unit. Depending on the perquisites or agency you may start doing decompression dives right away. Once that’s done you’ll need to take MOD2 (Normoxic CCR) and MOD3 (Hypoxic Trimix course). Nevermind the fact that you may very well already have these courses from your open circuit days, nope you need them on a rebreather too. Do I think either of these courses are a bad idea? Nope, not at all. I am just trying to illustrate a point.
Case in point: The world’s greatest living diver in their own mind may have an advanced trimix certification on open circuit. Do they need CCR Trimix? Well of course they don’t. They are an exceptionally talented diver. Trimix is really just an exercise in math and gas planning course. What about you? Absolutely. YOU need to take a CCR Trimix course but they don’t because rules do not apply to them. Do as I say, not as I do. I’m special, you’re not.
How about if you buy another rebreather? At most you’ll need to do a crossover course for your MOD1, actually a very good idea. What if your MOD2 or Normoxic Trimix course was taken on a rEvo or Prism2 but you now dive a JJ? Well fuck you. You probably should take a MOD2 crossover course since the laws of physic (and trimix) apparently function differently on another rebreather. The 5-star Platinum Dive Center or dive charter boat may not accept your Dolphin CCR Normoxic Trimix card if you decide to show up on the boat with a Shark CCR.
What if you want to dive caves on a rebreather but are already an experienced cave diver? Well you totally need a CCR Cave card. You also need a CCR Cave DPV card. You should probably just re-take every CCR specific version of the previous training that you’ve already taken to be safe. Safety first, money second or is it the other way around?
That brings me to cave divers.. Oh boy.
Everyone knows that as soon as you move to Florida or Mexico you magically become a fucking “local” diving expert. You instantly become a much better diver than everyone else that has come before you. What about all those people who have been diving longer than you or have more experience? Fuck them; You’re a local. Rules don’t apply to you. That includes sneaking into Ginnie Springs with a borrowed DPV at midnight because you don’t have Cave DPV card or even own a DPV. What about borrowing someone’s 10/70 bailouts to dive Eagle’s Nest because you don’t possess a trimix card or own any tanks filled with helium? My man! You’re a local you can do whatever you want! Rules do not apply to you.
Let’s keep going here.. How about sneaking into dive sites that are on private property or permit only? Repeat after me. You’re a local; Rules do not apply to you. Rules were only made for cave tourists and silly vacation cave divers. That rule especially does not apply to you if you are a local hotshot cave instructor.
For some reason “local” cave divers are exempt from following any silly rules. They are allowed to break any industry standards they want. I’ve seen more local cave divers and cave instructors do incredibly stupid things and get a free pass. The irony here is some of the worst trained cave divers I’ve seen have been “local” but they’ll vehemently deny it and claim every issue and malady in cave diving is caused by poorly cave tourists or “vacation cave divers.”
What about becoming a cave diver? Honestly that process is incredibly simple depending on your SCUBA agency and your instructor’s moral and ethical compass.
You can go down to good ol’ Florida and become a certified CAVE DIVER while taking Instagram selfies at Ginnie Springs or Peacock Springs! #cavediverlife #lookatme. The truth of the matter is half of the people you see taking cave training basically do it to check a box off a list Done. I’m now certified cave diver. People are told that since cave diving is the self-proclaimed pinnacle of dive training that they need to take it to move onto the next “level.”
The reality is zero-to-hero cave diving courses happen every day of the week. Instructors often pass students who they know are either on limited time with a set amount of vacation days. They figure they’ll never see this clown ever again so they might as well just pass them and then move onto the next prospective student on their roster sheet even if they’re only sort of shitty but not entirely unsafe. They know that if they don’t pass them they’ll just move onto another easier instructor with lower morals and standards.
Then what’s next?! Well you totally need a Stage Cave certification, how about Cave DPV? Sure that sounds fun. How much money can I make off this sucker? (err.. person).
Final Thoughts
I realize I’ve said a lot of mean and controversial things here that probably upset a lot of people including some nascent instructors or technical divers. The real crux and truth of the matter is sometimes we need classes. I’m not denying that. Education is not a bad thing. I’m not even calling rebreather courses or cave training bullshit. I don’t even think instructor courses are bullshit. All l am saying is take a step back and maybe realize the world has gone absolutely fucking crazy with additional course requirements. You don’t need to take every class out there.
Sadly with the uptick in diver deaths due to poor quality training and lack of experience I see the world and dive industry requiring more certifications to check a box off a list to make the insurance cronies happy. This is inevitable.
Furthermore the market is absolutely saturated with paper-tiger divemasters and zero-to-hero dive instructors. We don’t need more shitty instructors. I’m not saying don’t become an instructor. All I am saying is if you want to become an instructor make sure it’s for the right reasons. I sincerely hope that if you do want to become an instructor then you work on becoming a good one but don’t forget that everyone starts somewhere.
My advice to you is have other talents that you bring to the table in addition to your dive credentials.
Are you actually good at teaching? Most people aren’t.
Are you a boat captain or have experience crewing on vessels?
Do you have mechanical abilities to work on compressors or boat engines?
Can you speak multiple languages fluently?
Can you service regulators or fix other dive equipment?
Also – Take some silent reflection and maybe realize that you were not the first person to do things or the first person to accomplish this skill or dive. People have been diving longer than you, diving wrecks and caves longer than you, diving trimix longer than you, doing decompression dives longer than you, teaching longer than you. Maybe they all suck but it doesn’t mean you’re the best either. I also realize that an argument from age or authority is still a fallacy. Just because someone has been doing something longer doesn’t make them better.
Finally you’re probably thinking, you’ve just shit on the entire dive industry. What makes you an expert? What makes you better? I’m not. I’m just some random asshole diver with an opinion who has watched too many people make stupid mistakes and too many people die. I also continue to make my own mistakes and do my own share of stupid things.
I have no answers on how to fix the dive industry or the local outdated dive shop business model. The internet is not killing your business model, you are. Other hobbies and sports are killing the dive industry. Excess classes and expensive gear are killing the dive industry. Guided-only dive requirements are killing the dive industry turning diving into a rich man or retiree’s hobby. You are killing the dive industry. You know, fuck the dive industry.
I say let it die. Nuke it from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.
